Lately I’ve been told to consider “mood hacking” – using various techniques to boost one’s mood (application of music, for example). My premenstrual answer is chocolate raisins in bed.
And now I feel sick.
I love beards.
Want to smoke a cigarette.
It’s a full moon.
Something is going wrong between me and This Boy. I am premenstrual. What is different about our exchanges? I am feeling more hurt by things he says/ hurt at all when I might not have been before. Am I slower to catch and hold back the emotional reaction (in most cases deserved, because the emotion is irrational, but maybe not all)? Are we communicating more things that can provoke negative emotional responses? For example, am I speaking differently? I feel I am saying things with less… censorship…and forethought… with two results: saying things I wouldn’t normally say, things that have emotional content that other, censoring emotions prevent from being said (eg shame or fear) and saying things in an awkward fashion because of lack of “inner editor” corrections. I can see the benefits of both of these. It forces me to address things I am uncomfortable with but afraid of saying. Lack of inner editor corrections can help me express more freely/accurately what is happening in my hind brain. Of course, there are also consequences, such as risking hurting people with poorly phrased sentiments and raising things the other party is also unwilling to talk about.
BUT it is particularly bad to do these things with This Boy. He is unsympathetic to negative emotional states (believing you should “mood hack” your way out of them), is critical of poorly thought out arguments, actively practices “rationality” in his thought processes, (making his strictly logical responses difficult to deal with when in an emotional space), masks his own emotional responses and implicitly makes one feel bad for not being the way he is. This is expressed in his desire that if you are not willing to “mood hack” you do not deserve his attention or to be in his space.
To feel you are dropping in someone’s estimation and getting less worthy of someone’s time at the moment of becoming more emotionally vulnerable feels like a pretty deep stab to the heart.
Of course, struggling to not be in a strange emotional place when premenstrual is something I have railed against as impossibly difficult, not worth it and actually results in the opposite effect happening anyway. The best solution would be to take myself off, but I am currently (stupidly?) dependent on others for my shelter. Any good poly will tell you dependencies are bad, nay, death to healthy relationships.
I need somewhere else to go, or some effective coping strategies (a mental somewhere else to go) or something. Ask for tolerance and help? Maybe, but it seems like asking someone to “change” their essential nature, and didn’t seem to work last time anyway. I might bury myself in books but perhaps I should be checking out coach tickets…