The inspiration for this post came from two places.
One place was an article about fingering which, while it was great to see one of my favourite things as the subject of an article, was a crashing disappointment in terms of the scanty advice it actually offers.
The second place was a personal event: I had two-in-quick-succession sexual encounters where my sexual partner (one male, one female, I might add) was completely stumped when I said I didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex. They literally had zero moves once licking my vagina was off the table.
Some brief addresses
I just want to briefly address that second one first because, well, surely it’s obvious that you don’t necessarily need fingering to get you out of this particular no-oral-sex conundrum. I mean, I have skin, like, all over my body. You could touch that somewhere. Anywhere really. And not only that, but I have a variety of explicitly sexually charged body parts like a mouth, a butt, two breasts and I haven’t banned you touching my vagina! But we’ll get to that. Anyway, why do you have no game when I say your tongue touching my vagina is kinda “meh”? So yeah before you read this you could go and think about rubbing ears erotically or weenus massage and how to stimulate sensitive nipples, and the like and then come back.
Another address: the word “fingering” is kinda high-schooly. I am a bit ambivalent about it; on one hand it seems childish and a teensy bit… well, violent? But on the other hand high school slang is kinda nice, non-sciencey and filled with that flush of anticipation. Ref: “making out”. There are not many great alternatives for fingering. My sexual health nurse once described such sex as “digital” which, while delightfully linguistically accurate, could also be confusing and it’s not that sexy. So let’s try to be our best selves with the word “fingering” and be happy that I’ll be using the phrase “vulva” and “vulvic massage” a fair bit too (ewww) (ps “vagina” is the inside bit, “vulva” is the outside bit).
Finally, not everyone is into being penetrated until waaaay later on or not at all. This article presumes that you and your partner have discovered that fingering is on the table. If you have a partner like me, they will have listed “penetration” in their likes, which is deliberately ambiguous to leave room for digital possibilities (arf arf) but if that has not happened to you then you can say, “do you like having things in you?” “can I put my hands on you? / in you?” etc.
Hold up! Your mind has already gone way too far. Your fingers are already in the wet bits aren’t they? No! This section is actually called…
(My word is my bond). Ok so this partner likes penetration, (and maybe doesn’t like oral). Our purpose here is to go from chatting about work all the way to penetration by the big, big things (yay). Oral is everyone’s go-to because it’s intimate and wet and stuff and really gets the mind going in the right direction too. Well how do we do that without using our face? We use our hands.
First step – touch their genitals please! You can start this very lightly if you like. I once had a guy massage my inner thighs, up and down, getting nearer and nearer to my pubic hair without actually touching it. When he finally did snag a stray curly thread it was one of the best things I’ve ever felt.
But it doesn’t have to be that light. I normally try to describe to my partners the idea of massaging a vulva. Think about it, this poor mound of flesh has been crushed into tight underwear, further reinforced by obligatory “skinny”, “stretch” (read: “crush”) jeans, with a giant seam in the crotch right where your softest flaps are, and we’ve crushed them further by keeping out legs tightly crossed, crushing ourselves into the smallest size a human body can possibly occupy in physical space. We’ve been totally ignoring this part of our bodies all day. This non-existent (Barbie), embarrassing (camel toe) feminine (don’t show it at work), most vulnerable, most dangerous, most powerful place between our legs has gone unnoticed for hours, days even…You get the idea.
We’re here to say sorry to this vulva for ever forgetting it and to make it happy again. Use massage style strokes across the whole mound or gently manipulate the skin of the outer labia / around the outer labia area. Don’t use much force, we are not unknotting a muscle, we are uncreasing a piece of skin, like an ear or weenus (yes that homework was relevant). We are coaxing blood flow to the area, uncreasing all the wrinkles and releasing any trapped sweat. We’re also showing the person we are really into them and their sexy parts.
Don’t touch anything from the inside yet, no inner labia (even if they protrude) or vagina. That would be like giving someone a face massage and jabbing your finger up their nose. That’s not the point. We are not wet enough for any of that yet. We are plumping the pillows, giving a little shjouj to the room. Vulva.
I think this is where that apparently really stupid sex advice of “gently pulling the pubic hair” will genuinely be something you can do. If your partner has pubic hair (seriously why am I still the only one?) then you could in fact curl a lock of it (not a single hair) around your finger a bit or hold it with your thumb and very gently pull it, just enough to move the outer labia around over the inner. This strikes me as similar to a scalp massage, where for a change you might gently pull their hair, or gently pull someone’s ear for the extra tingle. Only do one small pull per area of skin but a couple of different areas should really waken the nerve endings up from their slumber.
You can do a bit of actual tissue/muscle massage here too. I find a thumb in the crease between my labia and my thigh is a spot that can handle some good massage. The pressure is more towards the vulva than the thigh, but even just sliding your thumb into that crease will do you no wrong. Similarly, if you’re in the same position you would be in for oral, facing the mistress as it were, you can probably reach the bit between vulva and butt cheek. There’s a bone in the pelvis there that hurts from sitting on it all day. Also you’re massaging their butt. Nice.
Finally, you could massage the outer labia enough with your hands to gradually tease apart the inner labia in preparation for the next bit.
There’s an endless variation with this stuff because each person is different but I hope this has inspired you to spend a few minutes exploring the idea of massage on a vulva and why it’s good.
Ok we’ve done well. We’ve touched our partner’s bits, which means we definitely like them as a person and as a vulva. They actually have some blood flow now and they’re more likely to be thinking about sex. Now we need to make sure they are wet enough for big penetration.
You can finally put a finger in a wet bit, but we are literally testing the waters at this stage.
At this point, some people are making the sheets wet from dripping, or their vagina is like an oil slick, so much so that you’re not sure which bit is clit, flaps, or vag hole. If so, they need big penetration right now, no need for more fannying around, just move on to whatever toy or flesh penis or duckbill-hand-shape you were gonna use next.
But if they’re not, there’s more to do. At this point everyone cries lube! Use more lube! And they are not wrong, but lube has drawbacks too.
All kinds of lube sting me, especially if I’m abraded from my last sexual encounter, but basically all the time. Don’t argue with me! I come out in a rash when I take a warm shower! My skin is sensitive. I’m telling you all kinds of lube stings and burns all the time, and you can’t tell me my own experience, so shush. I don’t want to be stung and burnt.
The other drawback is that if I’m not wet, that can also mean I’m not ready. I am capable of pretty extreme arousal, but if we use lube right now we will skip some of the process and we’ll come across a rock hard, small cave vagina that has not had time to fluff up the internal pillows, which is no fun for either of us. Even worse, you’ll be able to slide in and out of there without any resistance and it will hurt.
So, let’s set about giving our vulva-owner an internal hard-on/massage this time, complete with free lube.
Still not inside yet!
We have got ahead of ourselves again. Here’s why.
If we are not endangering penguins and sea birds with our oil slick, then our vaginas only have a little bit of wetness available. This is a delicate moment. It may not seem it but the skin on a finger is like litmus paper on a tiny drop a fluid, a single digit is capable of sucking up all the moisture we had and now we really will need lube. So! Don’t waste what we’ve got.
This is also the moment to mention the “don’t forget the clitoris” advice from the article I linked to at the top. It’s true, please don’t forget it, we have two functioning penises down here and it’s damn rude to just ignore one of them.
Oral sex aficionados would use this moment to start getting their tongues out for that clitoris. Tongues are warm, wet and gentle. But we are in fingering school here so allow me to suggest another way.
You can’t just poke that clitoris with a dry finger. That would feel like sandpaper on the tip of the tongue, but more painful, because clitorises don’t eat crisps on the regular. So where does the moisture come from? I hear you cry. Well, I always think of my vaginal opening as like an ink pot. If you were to stick all your fingers all the way down there now all the moisture would be sucked into your skin and we’d be done for. But if you stay outside, and dip the end of your finger in the ink well from time to time, it will never run dry.
If there’s no moisture at all at the opening of their vagina check you are in the right place, the vagina is close to the anus, quite far away from the clit in some cases. You may want to massage open your person’s various flaps (lol) so you can get access. If there’s still none, do something else (do they have sensitive nipples?) or lick your finger or use a tiny dot of lube.
So, dip a finger in the moisture and spread it around. We are kind of doing the vulva massage again but this time on the inner labia and this time with lady-cum. You might not be able to spread the first bit all the way around and up the mountain of the clitoris but just go back to the ink pot. Once your fingers are a bit wet and the clitoris is a bit wet and everything in between is a bit wet you can start rubbing the clit without fear of the sandpaper thing. That bit of clitoral stimulation is helping the ink-ducts (ok this is weird now) to produce some more fluid and now you have replenished what you used and have a bit more to work with. You can do the whole process a few more times, dunking in the inkwell a bit further to see how things are going inside and spread that wetness around before it all absorbs into your finger.
I know this sounds a bit laborious but this bit doesn’t have to take long, like 30 seconds – 2 minutes tops.
Ok, finally, finally…
Put your fingers inside
Now that you’ve got some moisture production going you can put your fingers inside, and it will feel good after all that inkpot teasing.
Put one finger in just to make sure you haven’t got the wetness level wrong and to introduce the idea that we’re going inside, but by now I think everyone’s ready for more than one poxy finger, so let’s have at least two at this point and you can probably work up to three quite quickly.
Now we have a paradox. Our fingers are now leeching moisture out of the vagina, but we all want them in there, but still stay wet. So! Our job is still to make our partner horny and wet. There are a couple of glands in the vagina that produce vaginal fluid and somewhat terrifyingly they are probably there to aid childbirth or some shit. They may or may not be the same areas that produce intense pleasure too. Anyway the point is they are there in the vaginal wall and they are activated by pressing on them, really quite hard. Let me stress, it is pressure on these areas that gets it going, not necessarily thrusting in and out. The thrusting only helps in the sense that, since we don’t know exactly where these points are, a certain amount of sliding around increases the probabilities of actually pressing on it. The thrusting also uses up moisture, so don’t overdo it. I would suggest really slowly sliding slightly in, and slightly out and when you slide back in again the vagina may have swelled with blood some more so you’ll have more room at the top end to go further in. When you slide back out, you are not in fact sliding your hand back out at all, that would let loads of moisture get lost! You’re just moving your hand backwards a tiny bit to vary the pressure on the vagina, then moving further in again. You’re now trying to literally climb inside your partner with your hand. Which is hot.
The pressure thing is the reason that the article above has lots of women complaining about a single finger sitting limp inside of them. Peeps: we can’t feel that. These vaginas are made to accommodate penises and giant fucking babies. Once I’m wet enough for fingers to be in, they need to be in, lots of them. Taking up all available space in a vagina with almost your whole hand maximises the pressure all the way round the walls, where the ducts and pleasure centres live. These pleasure centres are on all the walls, mind. Yes you’ve been taught the g spot is on the “front” wall of the vagina, like you’re trying to rub their belly button, but from the inside. But the “back” wall, towards their bum has parts that feel great and produce fluid too (does your partner like anal? I wonder WHY). So it really is about pressure all the way round, top to bottom.
Having said that, now that you know the rules, you can bend the rules. If you keep pressure on the walls of the vagina, you could use just one finger, or maybe two, you just have to be doing the right things with it.
I would strongly suggest that at this point you need to make use of your thumb or your other hand to start touching their clit again. If it’s gone dry (likely), bring the wet hand out and give it some moisture but for the love of God put it back in again, we haven’t come this far for tiny little clit rubs all by themselves. We’ve been escalating this shit. So, wet hand back in, apply pressure, other hand gently massaging the clitoris. I think I should stress that it’s at this moment that you understand why drummers and juggles get laid so much. You need to be doing hard, not very subtle things with one hand (internally), applying force and very slowly grinding that thing in and out, while the other hand is trying to be light and feathery and quick-moving, starting and stopping, gently but quickly rubbing etc. And you have to do both at once. It’s a nightmare to keep up for long (unless you’re a drummer or a juggler)(they’re so dreamy). So yeah, concentrate! The answers are coming.
Ok right, we have hopefully applied some slidey pressure and clit rubs such that our partner is creating more fluids, hopefully making nice noises and starting to crush our hand with their formidable pelvic floor muscles. If they are not, they don’t want to be fingered after all and if they are but there is still not enough lady-grease then it’s time for lube.
I think this sliding in an out with your hand thing should also not really last too long. We are attempting to go from chit-chat to big penetration and we’ve achieved that pretty well I think.
No fucking around now, time for the big guns.
During oral, you can normally see what you’re doing if you need. Less so with fingering. You can go and look when you’re fingering too, that’s fine, especially during the massage phase. But it might be more fun to get used to “seeing” with your hands. This method of “seeing” during sex will also bring you much closer to my mindset (and so to other people who do “sexual trance”), and may help you understand why my eyes are closed all the time – I’m “watching” you inside me! Doing all this stuff with your hands also leaves your face nearby to their face so you can kiss your partner while you’re doing all these things, yay!
Wash your goddam hands. Always.
Cut your fingernails. That part about fingernails in the movie FightClub was a deliberate, tragic reference to directionless masculinity. When Jack says “Fight Club became the reason to keep your fingernails short”, is a direct nihilist mirror image of the other reason a man keeps his fingernails short. Fingering vaginas. So yeah, whatever your gender, cut and buff soft your fingernails.
Finally, this post is obviously heavily influenced by my own preferences and by my own experiences of fingering vaginas, but I think there are some solid ideas and techniques in there. Always stay in communication with your partner, whether its physical, verbal, through breathing patterns, noises or whatever. If you’re unsure, slow down and stop.
Have fun peeps!