Category Archives: Funny

The Accountant – how to deal with clients

I instantly fell in love with Ben Affleck’s character Christian Wolff from the film The Accountant. Something about being awkward, fit and hot, plus having the exact same delay between shots he fires with his anti-aircraft rifle. But best of all, his client meetings. He is my new hero when it comes to dealing with new clients.

Here, have some memes:

imontheclock

 

clientbusiness

Worst housemate ad ever

I’m clearing out my Sticky notes on my desktop and thought I’d repost this amazing piece of prose before I delete the sticky forever. Needless to say, no-one replied to this ad, which I consider to be a failure on the part of the human race.

Slutty meat eating smoker wants to live in the dirty parts of town.

Bisexual, polyamorous, feminist, activist, loud, cantankerous, meat-eating smoker seeks furnished self-contained accommodation in the dirty parts of town.

The good part (?):

I’m a manager at the council (“professional”), always pay the bills, always wash up, have no pets and I’m regularly out of the house. I have no mental health problems and have this other side of me that is kind, polite, witty, quiet and full of good conversation. Honest. I also have a vagina – which seems important to some people.

For 400 quid or less you can have me (and regular income secure for the near future). References and deposit available.

Juggling busker’s elation at earning £5.50

Juggling beginner and unemployed twenty-something Jessica Burton describes her elation at earning £5.50 while juggling on the streets of Cambridge.

“I’ve been drifting for over six months now and this is the first cash I have earned in all that time” she stated.

After practicing her skills for five months she took her act to the streets of Cambridge town centre and was overwhelmed by her success. In temperatures as low as six degrees she managed to keep three balls aloft for over 20 seconds at a time and almost nobody derided her for dropping one.

When asked what she would do with her cash she focused on hygiene: “My first purchase will be some dental floss from Poundland: since I’m not claiming benefits and can’t afford the dental subsidy, I really have to look after my teeth. Some deodorant would be good too.”

Her friends and family are reportedly “very happy” at the news that she is still alive.

Ursidae class mammals defecate within tree populated areas, study finds

Mammals of the family Ursidae have been discovered defecating in areas heavily populated by trees, new research shows. 

Bear squatting to poop

Scientists followed three species of Ursidae (bears) in their natural environments in North America, Europe and Asia in what is possibly the largest longitudinal study of mammalian habits outside of children’s fiction by AA Milne. Three teams of up to four researchers followed the bears, carefully observing and cataloging their daily habits. Many researchers found they became close to the animals.

“After a few years of following Broke-Tooth around, he started to seem closer to me than my own family,” said one researcher.

After years of meticulous study, the team is now able to draw broad conclusions about the magnificent creatures’ habits.

Head of the research team, Professor Reginald R. Bainbridge comments, “we can now say with some certainly that family Ursidae have a strong preference for taking their bowel movements in areas with dense arborial activity.”

What ramifications these conclusions have for wider humanity presently remains unclear, however continuing research in this field is likely, considering the high “cuteness” factor of the animal’s young and the apparent relative ease in conducting of this type of research.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t have your eye on them all the time, they make a fair amount of noise as the crash about the place and their leavings have a very strong, unmistakable odour,” says the youngest member of the research team, “it becomes like a natural trigger after not so long, I smell that sweet bear-poop smell and know it’s time to get my clipboard out”.

‘Margaret Griswald, head of Natural Sciences at the University of Oxbrdige welcomed the findings,

“At least we now have an answer to that age-old question: ‘does a bear shit in the woods?’ “