Category Archives: Periods

2012 is coming to an end

I felt a slight shock when I realised that 2012 is almost over. Here is my traditional post musing on the things I’ve done this year.

I gave away (almost) all my worldly possessions. I went to my third BiCon. I had group sex! I had group sex more than once! I had group sex with people I’d only known for a day! I went to Doncaster, Middlesbrough, Manchester, Bradford, Cambridge, Portugal and Madrid for the first time. I walked outside of Birmingham New Street Station. I cried infront of a painting. I went to a psytrance festival. In a foreign country. I swam in a lake sparkling with fool’s gold. I saw a lizard. I volunteered for litter picking at a festival. I saw how the world works. I learned how to get food out of bins. I was travelling/homeless for two thirds of the year. I read/watched the entire run of Promethea, My So-Called Life and Firefly. I fell in love. I added some notches to my bedpost (including three girls and a royal marine!) I blagged three nights in a caravan after a festival. I went backstage. I was a runner for stilt walking performers. I met some famous drum ‘n’ bass DJs. I did bi activism. I stayed over in a squat. I stopped being scared of London. I saw Tube mice. I hitch-hiked. I ate melon and liked it. I kissed a guy with a forked tongue. I made many new friends. I stayed on a boat in the Lake District. I met many people who will change the world. I tried mushrooms. I stopped taking sugar in my tea. I got so ill my period came a week and a half early, and I mistook it for kidney disease! I broke up and got back together with the same person! I walked on a slackline! I learned to juggle! I protested outside the deputy PM’s house! I lead a protest charge with “She’ll be coming round the mountain”! I marched with the trade unions against austerity (twice)! I saw a world title boxing match! I went to a gig with someone I didn’t know. I saw my father. I met my step grandmother, and other estranged family. I entertained revolutionary thoughts. I  took my clothes off for cash. I joined libraries in four different cities. I got a tax rebate. I “looked poly” in public. I confused people. I loved it when my boyfriend kissed a guy. I stayed awake all night and worshiped the full moon. I wrote dirty stories for money. I went to OpenCon. I was captain of a starship. I lost my childhood. I quit my job. I had dinner at Harvey Nicholls. I was looked after. I busked on the street. I got pet rats and had to give them away. I felt human. I stayed alive.

This year I’ve had a So-Amazing Life.

And what have I learned? When it comes to food, you get what you’re given, be grateful for it, don’t waste any and always share. When it comes to sleep, just do it when you want to or when you can, there’s no need to worry. You can learn to change your sleep over time, including where you can tolerate doing it. A futon on slats is the best way to sleep ever. Food is only out of date when it smells bad. Food is all around you, the more humans in any given space, the more free food you will find. The humaniverse will take care of you, if you let it. Be patient. Walk everywhere. Be the change. Doing new things makes life feel full. Being somewhere comfortable with nothing to do slows time down. Follow your highest excitement. Whatever your heart sings for. Who dares, wins.

Still to come:

get dp’d, apply to a PhD, start my own business, get a tattoo, get my driving license, go to Burning Man, eat at high table.

Emotional stuff

Lately I’ve been told to consider “mood hacking” – using various techniques to boost one’s mood (application of music, for example). My premenstrual answer is chocolate raisins in bed.

And now I feel sick.

I love beards.

Want to smoke a cigarette.

It’s a full moon.

Something is going wrong between me and This Boy. I am premenstrual. What is different about our exchanges? I am feeling more hurt by things he says/ hurt at all when I might not have been before. Am I slower to catch and hold back the emotional reaction (in most cases deserved, because the emotion is irrational, but maybe not all)? Are we communicating more things that can provoke negative emotional responses? For example, am I speaking differently? I feel I am saying things with less… censorship…and forethought… with two results: saying things I wouldn’t normally say, things that have emotional content that other, censoring emotions prevent from being said (eg shame or fear) and saying things in an awkward fashion because of lack of “inner editor” corrections. I can see the benefits of both of these. It forces me to address things I am uncomfortable with but afraid of saying. Lack of inner editor corrections can help me express more freely/accurately what is happening in my hind brain. Of course, there are also consequences, such as risking hurting people with poorly phrased sentiments and raising things the other party is also unwilling to talk about.

BUT it is particularly bad to do these things with This Boy. He is unsympathetic to negative emotional states (believing you should “mood hack” your way out of them), is critical of poorly thought out arguments, actively practices “rationality” in his thought processes, (making his strictly logical responses difficult to deal with when in an emotional space), masks his own emotional responses and implicitly makes one feel bad for not being the way he is. This is expressed in his desire that if you are not willing to “mood hack” you do not deserve his attention or to be in his space.

To feel you are dropping in someone’s estimation and getting less worthy of someone’s time at the moment of becoming more emotionally vulnerable feels like a pretty deep stab to the heart.

Of course, struggling to not be in a strange emotional place when premenstrual is something I have railed against as impossibly difficult, not worth it and actually results in the opposite effect happening anyway. The best solution would be to take myself off, but I am currently (stupidly?) dependent on others for my shelter. Any good poly will tell you dependencies are bad, nay, death to healthy relationships.

I need somewhere else to go, or some effective coping strategies (a mental somewhere else to go) or something. Ask for tolerance and help? Maybe, but it seems like asking someone to “change” their essential nature, and didn’t seem to work last time anyway. I might bury myself in books but perhaps I should be checking out coach tickets…

Sanitary towel company behaves exactly as it always has

In order to not give the damn thing any more hits I won’t mention the specifics of the latest “sanitary protection” company’s viral advert that has done the rounds on Facebook and I’m also too pissed off to give a full and reasoned argument because I have much better things to do, however suffice it to say:

Making ‘viral’ adverts addressing criticisms of sanitary towel company’s advertising techniques in which one’s only argument is that yes, periods are an unhappy experience COMPLETELY REINFORCES NEGATIVE STEREOTYPES ABOUT PERIODS.

It is not clever, funny, interesting or even slightly different to what they’ve always done. Make you feel terrible about your body = selling more useless shit.

OKAY? OK?

OK.