Category Archives: Poetry

Mood today

I feel distracted & ineffectual. Listless, useless, unable to focus. “Fed up” is the phrase, and for no good reason. I’m staring through things, both physically and metaphorically. Everything is slow & muted and I can only communicate through dream. I have spent a long time in bed but not enough asleep. Caffeine has only made it worse.

What’s the best use of today? Perhaps I should stare through walls: observe the neighbours. Something that does not require my full attention. Where the rest of it has gone, I’m not sure. Perhaps off doing errands to which I am not invited.

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Salvaged words

What was I thinking of?

Walking with elegance. Flying, physical into the world.

The sinking feeling at a perceived lack of boyfriend. Musing that it is so clearly a father thing, more broadly a don’t-feel-secure-when-not-attached thing that may or may not (who cares?) come from a lack of stable (any…) parental relationship. No father, no mother, no family at all… not emotionally, not mentally. Thoughts of them are a blank.

But we narrativise our story, we put energy into beliefs about symbols. I do these things. Human beings are stupid – why be attached to the chassis? But we are. I am. But I can think. I can work to let these things slip away. I do not have to be Daddy’s girl. I do not have to feel alone in the dark. The mind. My mind. This version of reality viewing, seen from this angle. Chooses to.

And some time this summer I was without (anyone) and without daddy’s girl fear.

So tempting to create a story out of those moments. So tempting to believe that memory is real.

But those moments broke the pattern. Those moments were something new. Something worth turning into a story, if it helps, no? …No?

It is at these moments that I desire stories of women:

women who wanted to flee but fought instead, who were beset by doubts yet forged ahead, who drew themselves up into their powers.

I have seen the archetype masculinity, the impossible to achieve standard for men, but an alluring aspiration for me. I desire to be the hero: the one who leads, with bravery and courage and the heavy burdens those qualities bring. I desire to stand strong, to protect others in the shelter of my largeness, to create a path through unknown landscape, to expand outside perceived limits, to grow, change, move in my mightiness.

Sex and imagination

No.

I want to invest this act with romance, with feeling, with emotion, with story, with magic. I want to screw everything up as tight as possible. I want to curl my toes, to cross my arms, to squint my eyes, to clench my pelvic floor and to go inside of myself, to that dark, deep universe. To go to that nameless endless cosmic space that is inside me and profoundly outside of me,  because it is outside of space and time. I want to be taken to that place, to be held and rocked, my body in comfort so that I can disconnect and journey there, to that expanse of dark power, glorious beauty, endless triumph. I want to forget I am observed, I must be able to feel wild, unrestrained, to use the intense pleasure of my body to escape my body, to abstain from this reality, just for a minute, just for a moment.

This is the seat of my power. This is ecstasy.

And for it I need complicity.

The denial of the story, the dismissal of the she-magic, has broken my heart.

2012 is coming to an end

I felt a slight shock when I realised that 2012 is almost over. Here is my traditional post musing on the things I’ve done this year.

I gave away (almost) all my worldly possessions. I went to my third BiCon. I had group sex! I had group sex more than once! I had group sex with people I’d only known for a day! I went to Doncaster, Middlesbrough, Manchester, Bradford, Cambridge, Portugal and Madrid for the first time. I walked outside of Birmingham New Street Station. I cried infront of a painting. I went to a psytrance festival. In a foreign country. I swam in a lake sparkling with fool’s gold. I saw a lizard. I volunteered for litter picking at a festival. I saw how the world works. I learned how to get food out of bins. I was travelling/homeless for two thirds of the year. I read/watched the entire run of Promethea, My So-Called Life and Firefly. I fell in love. I added some notches to my bedpost (including three girls and a royal marine!) I blagged three nights in a caravan after a festival. I went backstage. I was a runner for stilt walking performers. I met some famous drum ‘n’ bass DJs. I did bi activism. I stayed over in a squat. I stopped being scared of London. I saw Tube mice. I hitch-hiked. I ate melon and liked it. I kissed a guy with a forked tongue. I made many new friends. I stayed on a boat in the Lake District. I met many people who will change the world. I tried mushrooms. I stopped taking sugar in my tea. I got so ill my period came a week and a half early, and I mistook it for kidney disease! I broke up and got back together with the same person! I walked on a slackline! I learned to juggle! I protested outside the deputy PM’s house! I lead a protest charge with “She’ll be coming round the mountain”! I marched with the trade unions against austerity (twice)! I saw a world title boxing match! I went to a gig with someone I didn’t know. I saw my father. I met my step grandmother, and other estranged family. I entertained revolutionary thoughts. I  took my clothes off for cash. I joined libraries in four different cities. I got a tax rebate. I “looked poly” in public. I confused people. I loved it when my boyfriend kissed a guy. I stayed awake all night and worshiped the full moon. I wrote dirty stories for money. I went to OpenCon. I was captain of a starship. I lost my childhood. I quit my job. I had dinner at Harvey Nicholls. I was looked after. I busked on the street. I got pet rats and had to give them away. I felt human. I stayed alive.

This year I’ve had a So-Amazing Life.

And what have I learned? When it comes to food, you get what you’re given, be grateful for it, don’t waste any and always share. When it comes to sleep, just do it when you want to or when you can, there’s no need to worry. You can learn to change your sleep over time, including where you can tolerate doing it. A futon on slats is the best way to sleep ever. Food is only out of date when it smells bad. Food is all around you, the more humans in any given space, the more free food you will find. The humaniverse will take care of you, if you let it. Be patient. Walk everywhere. Be the change. Doing new things makes life feel full. Being somewhere comfortable with nothing to do slows time down. Follow your highest excitement. Whatever your heart sings for. Who dares, wins.

Still to come:

get dp’d, apply to a PhD, start my own business, get a tattoo, get my driving license, go to Burning Man, eat at high table.

Personifesto

To be part of the positive energy in the world, to seek out and amplify that energy in myself and those around me.

Parts of this positivity can be defined as creativity, pleasure, calm, peace, love, play and joy.

Maintaining a path through positivity can be described as following my highest excitement.

I must take care of my physical and mental health.

I must embrace change, continuously learn and seek growth. If these things are difficult or painful, I must moderate them to remain happy and healthy.

I am a caretaker and gardener of the world, both physical and human. I must add to the sum of human knowledge and the richness of human experience. My contribution resonates with the whole.

I must pursue freedoms for all things and live as if those freedoms already exist, because if I don’t, they never shall.

I have a duty to be an evolved human being.

Incantation

I am vibrant, I am resplendent, joyful, calm; I am technicoloured, I am sexual, sensual, intelligent, playful, in glorious femininity, creativity; calm in my confidence, I walk tall, am generous to all, I resist prejudiced judgement, shine with unconditional love and tenderness, I am courageous, fearless, beautiful and bountiful; I experience abundance and live with laughing grace without end…