Category Archives: Sex & Sexuality

Hands on Vulvas

The inspiration for this post came from two places.

One place was an article about fingering which, while it was great to see one of my favourite things as the subject of an article, was a crashing disappointment in terms of the scanty advice it actually offers.

The second place was a personal event: I had two-in-quick-succession sexual encounters where my sexual partner (one male, one female, I might add) was completely stumped when I said I didn’t enjoy receiving oral sex. They literally had zero moves once licking my vagina was off the table.

Some brief addresses

I just want to briefly address that second one first because, well, surely it’s obvious that you don’t necessarily need fingering to get you out of this particular no-oral-sex conundrum. I mean, I have skin, like, all over my body. You could touch that somewhere. Anywhere really. And not only that, but I have a variety of explicitly sexually charged body parts like a mouth, a butt, two breasts and I haven’t banned you touching my vagina! But we’ll get to that. Anyway, why do you have no game when I say your tongue touching my vagina is kinda “meh”? So yeah before you read this you could go and think about rubbing ears erotically or weenus massage and how to stimulate sensitive nipples, and the like and then come back.

Another address: the word “fingering” is kinda high-schooly. I am a bit ambivalent about it; on one hand it seems childish and a teensy bit… well, violent? But on the other hand high school slang is kinda nice, non-sciencey and filled with that flush of anticipation. Ref: “making out”. There are not many great alternatives for fingering. My sexual health nurse once described such sex as “digital” which, while delightfully linguistically accurate, could also be confusing and it’s not that sexy. So let’s try to be our best selves with the word “fingering” and be happy that I’ll be using the phrase “vulva” and “vulvic massage” a fair bit too (ewww) (ps “vagina” is the inside bit, “vulva” is the outside bit).

Finally, not everyone is into being penetrated until waaaay later on or not at all. This article presumes that you and your partner have discovered that fingering is on the table.  If you have a partner like me, they will have listed “penetration” in their likes, which is deliberately ambiguous to leave room for digital possibilities (arf arf) but if that has not happened to you then you can say,  “do you like having things in you?” “can I put my hands on you? / in you?” etc.

Fingering

Hold up! Your mind has already gone way too far. Your fingers are already in the wet bits aren’t they? No! This section is actually called…

Vulvic Massage

(My word is my bond). Ok so this partner likes penetration, (and maybe doesn’t like oral). Our purpose here is to go from chatting about work all the way to penetration by the big, big things (yay). Oral is everyone’s go-to because it’s intimate and wet and stuff and really gets the mind going in the right direction too. Well how do we do that without using our face? We use our hands.

First step – touch their genitals please! You can start this very lightly if you like. I once had a guy massage my inner thighs, up and down, getting nearer and nearer to my pubic hair without actually touching it. When he finally did snag a stray curly thread it was one of the best things I’ve ever felt.

But it doesn’t have to be that light. I normally try to describe to my partners the idea of massaging a vulva. Think about it, this poor mound of flesh has been crushed into tight underwear, further reinforced by obligatory “skinny”, “stretch” (read: “crush”) jeans, with a giant seam in the crotch right where your softest flaps are, and we’ve crushed them further by keeping out legs tightly crossed, crushing ourselves into the smallest size a human body can possibly occupy in physical space. We’ve been totally ignoring this part of our bodies all day. This non-existent (Barbie), embarrassing (camel toe) feminine (don’t show it at work), most vulnerable, most dangerous, most powerful place between our legs has gone unnoticed for hours, days even…You get the idea.

We’re here to say sorry to this vulva for ever forgetting it and to make it happy again. Use massage style strokes across the whole mound or gently manipulate the skin of the outer labia / around the outer labia area. Don’t use much force, we are not unknotting a muscle, we are uncreasing a piece of skin, like an ear or weenus (yes that homework was relevant). We are coaxing blood flow to the area, uncreasing all the wrinkles and releasing any trapped sweat. We’re also showing the person we are really into them and their sexy parts.

Don’t touch anything from the inside yet, no inner labia (even if they protrude) or vagina. That would be like giving someone a face massage and jabbing your finger up their nose. That’s not the point. We are not wet enough for any of that yet. We are plumping the pillows, giving a little shjouj to the room. Vulva.

I think this is where that apparently really stupid sex advice of “gently pulling the pubic hair” will genuinely be something you can do. If your partner has pubic hair (seriously why am I still the only one?) then you could in fact curl a lock of it (not a single hair) around your finger a bit or hold it with your thumb and very gently pull it, just enough to move the outer labia around over the inner. This strikes me as similar to a scalp massage, where for a change you might gently pull their hair, or gently pull someone’s ear for the extra tingle. Only do one small pull per area of skin but a couple of different areas should really waken the nerve endings up from their slumber.

You can do a bit of actual tissue/muscle massage here too. I find a thumb in the crease between my labia and my thigh is a spot that can handle some good massage. The pressure is more towards the vulva than the thigh, but even just sliding your thumb into that crease will do you no wrong. Similarly, if you’re in the same position you would be in for oral, facing the mistress as it were, you can probably reach the bit between vulva and butt cheek. There’s a bone in the pelvis there that hurts from sitting on it all day. Also you’re massaging their butt. Nice.

Finally, you could massage the outer labia enough with your hands to gradually tease apart the inner labia in preparation for the next bit.

There’s an endless variation with this stuff because each person is different but I hope this has inspired you to spend a few minutes exploring the idea of massage on a vulva and why it’s good.

Wet bits

Ok we’ve done well. We’ve touched our partner’s bits, which means we definitely like them as a person and as a vulva. They actually have some blood flow now and they’re more likely to be thinking about sex. Now we need to make sure they are wet enough for big penetration.

You can finally put a finger in a wet bit, but we are literally testing the waters at this stage.

At this point, some people are making the sheets wet from dripping, or their vagina is like an oil slick, so much so that you’re not sure which bit is clit, flaps, or vag hole. If so, they need big penetration right now, no need for more fannying around, just move on to whatever toy or flesh penis or duckbill-hand-shape you were gonna use next.

But if they’re not, there’s more to do. At this point everyone cries lube! Use more lube! And they are not wrong, but lube has drawbacks too.

All kinds of lube sting me, especially if I’m abraded from my last sexual encounter, but basically all the time. Don’t argue with me! I come out in a rash when I take a warm shower! My skin is sensitive. I’m telling you all kinds of lube stings and burns all the time, and you can’t tell me my own experience, so shush. I don’t want to be stung and burnt.

The other drawback is that if I’m not wet, that can also mean I’m not ready. I am capable of pretty extreme arousal, but if we use lube right now we will skip some of the process and we’ll come across a rock hard, small cave vagina that has not had time to fluff up the internal pillows, which is no fun for either of us. Even worse, you’ll be able to slide in and out of there without any resistance and it will hurt.

So, let’s set about giving our vulva-owner an internal hard-on/massage this time, complete with free lube.

Still not inside yet!

We have got ahead of ourselves again. Here’s why.

If we are not endangering penguins and sea birds with our oil slick, then our vaginas only have a little bit of wetness available. This is a delicate moment. It may not seem it but the skin on a finger is like litmus paper on a tiny drop a fluid, a single digit is capable of sucking up all the moisture we had and now we really will need lube. So! Don’t waste what we’ve got.

This is also the moment to mention the “don’t forget the clitoris” advice from the article I linked to at the top. It’s true, please don’t forget it, we have two functioning penises down here and it’s damn rude to just ignore one of them.

Oral sex aficionados would use this moment to start getting their tongues out for that clitoris. Tongues are warm, wet and gentle. But we are in fingering school here so allow me to suggest another way.

You can’t just poke that clitoris with a dry finger. That would feel like sandpaper on the tip of the tongue, but more painful, because clitorises don’t eat crisps on the regular. So where does the moisture come from? I hear you cry. Well, I always think of my vaginal opening as like an ink pot. If you were to stick all your fingers all the way down there now all the moisture would be sucked into your skin and we’d be done for. But if you stay outside, and dip the end of your finger in the ink well from time to time, it will never run dry.

If there’s no moisture at all at the opening of their vagina check you are in the right place, the vagina is close to the anus, quite far away from the clit in some cases. You may want to massage open your person’s various flaps (lol) so you can get access. If there’s still none, do something else (do they have sensitive nipples?) or lick your finger or use a tiny dot of lube.

So, dip a finger in the moisture and spread it around. We are kind of doing the vulva massage again but this time on the inner labia and this time with lady-cum. You might not be able to spread the first bit all the way around and up the mountain of the clitoris but just go back to the ink pot. Once your fingers are a bit wet and the clitoris is a bit wet and everything in between is a bit wet you can start rubbing the clit without fear of the sandpaper thing. That bit of clitoral stimulation is helping the ink-ducts (ok this is weird now) to produce some more fluid and now you have replenished what you used and have a bit more to work with. You can do the whole process a few more times, dunking in the inkwell a bit further to see how things are going inside and spread that wetness around before it all absorbs into your finger.

I know this sounds a bit laborious but this bit doesn’t have to take long, like 30 seconds – 2 minutes tops.

Ok, finally, finally…

Put your fingers inside

Now that you’ve got some moisture production going you can put your fingers inside, and it will feel good after all that inkpot teasing.

Put one finger in just to make sure you haven’t got the wetness level wrong and to introduce the idea that we’re going inside, but by now I think everyone’s ready for more than one poxy finger, so let’s have at least two at this point and you can probably work up to three quite quickly.

Now we have a paradox. Our fingers are now leeching moisture out of the vagina, but we all want them in there, but still stay wet. So! Our job is still to make our partner horny and wet. There are a couple of glands in the vagina that produce vaginal fluid and somewhat terrifyingly they are probably there to aid childbirth or some shit. They may or may not be the same areas that produce intense pleasure too. Anyway the point is they are there in the vaginal wall and they are activated by pressing on them, really quite hard. Let me stress, it is pressure on these areas that gets it going, not necessarily thrusting in and out. The thrusting only helps in the sense that, since we don’t know exactly where these points are, a certain amount of sliding around increases the probabilities of actually pressing on it. The thrusting also uses up moisture, so don’t overdo it.  I would suggest really slowly sliding slightly in, and slightly out and when you slide back in again the vagina may have swelled with blood some more so you’ll have more room at the top end to go further in. When you slide back out, you are not in fact sliding your hand back out at all, that would let loads of moisture get lost! You’re just moving your hand backwards a tiny bit to vary the pressure on the vagina, then moving further in again. You’re now trying to literally climb inside your partner with your hand. Which is hot.

The pressure thing is the reason that the article above has lots of women complaining about a single finger sitting limp inside of them. Peeps: we can’t feel that. These vaginas are made to accommodate penises and giant fucking babies. Once I’m wet enough for fingers to be in, they need to be in, lots of them. Taking up all available space in a vagina with almost your whole hand maximises the pressure all the way round the walls, where the ducts and pleasure centres live. These pleasure centres are on all the walls, mind. Yes you’ve been taught the g spot is on the “front” wall of the vagina, like you’re trying to rub their belly button, but from the inside. But the “back” wall, towards their bum has parts that feel great and produce fluid too (does your partner like anal? I wonder WHY). So it really is about pressure all the way round, top to bottom.

Having said that, now that you know the rules, you can bend the rules. If you keep pressure on the walls of the vagina, you could use just one finger, or maybe two, you just have to be doing the right things with it.

I would strongly suggest that at this point you need to make use of your thumb or your other hand to start touching their clit again. If it’s gone dry (likely), bring the wet hand out and give it some moisture but for the love of God put it back in again, we haven’t come this far for tiny little clit rubs all by themselves. We’ve been escalating this shit. So, wet hand back in, apply pressure, other hand gently massaging the clitoris. I think I should stress that it’s at this moment that you understand why drummers and juggles get laid so much. You need to be doing hard, not very subtle things with one hand (internally), applying force and very slowly grinding that thing in and out, while the other hand is trying to be light and feathery and quick-moving, starting and stopping, gently but quickly rubbing etc.  And you have to do both at once. It’s a nightmare to keep up for long (unless you’re a drummer or a juggler)(they’re so dreamy). So yeah, concentrate! The answers are coming.

Ok right, we have hopefully applied some slidey pressure and clit rubs such that our partner is creating more fluids, hopefully making nice noises and starting to crush our hand with their formidable pelvic floor muscles. If they are not, they don’t want to be fingered after all and if they are but there is still not enough lady-grease then it’s time for lube.

I think this sliding in an out with your hand thing should also not really last too long. We are attempting to go from chit-chat to big penetration and we’ve achieved that pretty well I think.

No fucking around now, time for the big guns.

Final tips

During oral, you can normally see what you’re doing if you need. Less so with fingering. You can go and look when you’re fingering too, that’s fine, especially during the massage phase. But it might be more fun to get used to “seeing” with your hands. This method of “seeing” during sex will also bring you much closer to my mindset (and so to other people who do “sexual trance”), and may help you understand why my eyes are closed all the time – I’m “watching” you inside me! Doing all this stuff with your hands also leaves your face nearby to their face so you can kiss your partner while you’re doing all these things, yay!

Wash your goddam hands. Always.

Cut your fingernails. That part about fingernails in the movie FightClub was a deliberate, tragic reference to directionless masculinity. When Jack says “Fight Club became the reason to keep your fingernails short”, is a direct nihilist mirror image of the other reason a man keeps his fingernails short. Fingering vaginas. So yeah, whatever your gender, cut and buff soft your fingernails.

Finally, this post is obviously heavily influenced by my own preferences and by my own experiences of fingering vaginas, but I think there are some solid ideas and techniques in there. Always stay in communication with your partner, whether its physical, verbal, through breathing patterns, noises or whatever. If you’re unsure, slow down and stop.

Have fun peeps!

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Bisexuals at London Pride 2017

We ARE marching!

PORTLAND PLACE! 1pm cut off xxx

All the bi groups of London will be marching with ‘UKBiPride‘ this year as part of the ‘UKPrides’ section of the parade. They are the ones allocating our marching spaces, and I will copy their instructions here.

Order of events on the day

9am – 11am Big Bi Breakfast hosted by BiscuitMag (@Biscuitmag on twitter)

Address: Fitzrovia Center, 2 Foley Street London W1W 6DL

10.45am – 11.15am Collect wristbands

Address: UK Pride Organisers Network (UKPON) on Gildea Street, near Wogan House

11.30am Travel to form up point.

Address: unknown, usually near Baker street. We are the front of section “B”.

1pm Head of march moves off (we will start moving around 1.20pm?)

~3pm Reach end of march and attempt to enter Trafalgar square for stage entertainment/stalls

Rest of afternoon/evening: no bi specific event planned. This meetup event has co-ordination for people wishing to meet other bi people on the day: https://www.meetup.com/london-bisexuals/events/235740898/

 

Instructions from UKBiPride

Hello wristband holders and lovely folk on the waiting list!
Bi Pride UK want to thank you for your massive enthusiasm to march with us at Pride in London next weekend, Saturday 8th July! Below you will find some key information about the day. If you emailed us on behalf of others (e.g. a group or a partner), please forward this email to them so they know what’s happening on the day too. It’s a long email, but we wanted to make sure that you get as much detail as possible…
Meeting Point and Time:
As you will be aware, we have a very limited number of wristbands allocated to us (50). Because of that, please let us know if you are no longer able to attend for whatever reason, so that we can reallocate your wristband to someone waiting patiently on the waiting list. We have already been able to reallocate a few wristbands, so if you are on the waiting list, don’t lose hope!
We will be meeting close to the UK Pride Organisers Network (UKPON) on Gildea Street, near Wogan House. We will get there at 10:45 to start handing out wristbands to the 50 people on our list. If you do not arrive by 11:15, we will start giving out the wristbands to those on the waiting list. By 11.25, if we still have any left, they will be given out to anyone else on a first-come-first-served basis. If you are running late but are definitely coming, then please call 07837754474 and we will hold one for you.
We will be leaving the meeting point at 11.30 and heading to our place in the Parade.
We will be marching at the front of SECTION B. If this is your first Pride, that may sound very confusing; Pride in London is divided into a series of sections, each with their own theme. If you get lost, there will plenty of Stewards around with brightly coloured high-visibility jackets to ask, and there’ll be plenty of signs on lampposts telling you which section you’re in.
Clothing, Accessories and Things to Bring:
Through some generous supporters, we have procured enough t-shirts for each of our wristband holders to wear on the day! These will have the Bi Pride UK logo on them, and we are very excited to debut them here. We would very much appreciate you wearing these t-shirts while marching with us, although there is no pressure to do so, but then returning them to us at the end of the march so we can use them (after washing them!) at future events. If you would like to keep the t-shirt (because they are just that awesome), we are requesting a donation of £5-10.
Our message for this march is Show Your Colours, and so on the rest of your body, please feel free to wear and bear whatever colours or flags you feel best represent you! We want you to feel free and open to be who you are and wear your colours, whatever they might be, proudly. Banners, placards, flags, capes, face paint, hair spray, whatever, all welcome – the more the merrier.
Remember to prepare for all weathers – this is London, after all. Make sure you have comfy shoes, plenty of water (it’s a long day), snacks if you feel you need them, suncream (it doesn’t hurt to be optimistic), antihistamines and/or any medication you might need, and an umbrella (because you should always be prepared!).
Security:
Pride is a wonderful event, but there are always some people who want to rain on our parade. To make life easier for yourselves, we recommend that you don’t bring any large bags with you, because getting them searched every 10 minutes is just tiresome.
Also, the Pride in London Parade operates on a strict wristband-only policy. This means that only people wearing a wristband will be allowed to enter the Parade form up area. If you are running late and have let us know in advance, we can arrange to give you one to allow you to enter the area, but otherwise we’re afraid we’ve got to stick by the system. If you don’t have a wristband, though, that doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with us, though! Which brings us to…
Social stuff:
If just marching isn’t enough for you (and let’s be honest, why should it be?!), check out the meet-up that we’ve been told about, organised by a few people for the Saturday morning, from 11am at the Fitzrovia Centre: https://www.meetup.com/london-bisexuals/events/240449746/ There will also be people gathering post-parade (https://www.meetup.com/london-bisexuals/events/235740898/), so plenty of ways to keep the party going in whatever manner you’d like! For more information on these things, please use the contact details on the respective event pages.
Finally, Bi Pride UK would like to thank you again for spending Pride in London with us. We are very much looking forward to meeting you and building together this amazing community. Let’s spread the bi pride and enjoy our day!
With visi*bi*lity and love,
Allison & Abigail (Co-Chairs of Bi Pride UK) and the entire Bi Pride UK Committee

 

My Instructions in line with previous years

Pride colours

Bisexuals are a diverse group with no single unifiying attribute, but at Pride that means no-one can see who we are! The bisexual colour is purple, so please everyone wear head to toe deep purple outfits, so that we look like a unified block that can easily be seen. We want to be visible!

Deep purple is an unusual colour and you will not have something suitable in your wardrobe on the day. Lilac, blue or “wearing your purple socks” are not good enough! You need to go online and buy something NOW especially for the parade. We want to be loud and proud!

Here are some inspirations:

These beauties can be ordered from The Bisexual Index Their other t-shirt designs sometimes come in purple too. Make sure to select purple when purchasing!

If you can’t afford these, grab yourself a plain deep purple tshirt from ebay.

Pre-form up meeting

The pre-form up meeting is once again at The Fitzrovia Centre at 9am-11am.

Address: 2 Foley Street, London W1W 6DL. Nearest tube: Goodge Street

Here you can paint faces, change clothes, meet some other bis, have a cup of tea, eat cake, use the toilets and collect your wristband for marching in the parade. You will also get on-the-day updates that will be very important.

Attending this meeting promptly is the only way to guarantee you can march in the parade. Please attend this meeting on time!

Wristbands

You must have a wristband to march in Pride.

Important change to last year: UKBiPride are requiring all participants to email them directly in order ot get a wristband. The deadline is 16th June and there are only 50 wristbands to allocate. Please email biprideuk@gmail.com saying you would like a wristband (put it in the subject line).

Last year we ran out of wristbands when we only had 50, please email anyway so that we have an idea of numbers for next year (and come along anyway, there are always no shows and dropouts).

Since we are co-ordinating with another group this year we have to arrange distributing wristbands. This will most likely happen at the pre-form up meeting in The Fitzrovia Centre.

The Parade

We must form up in <street unknown> at <time unknown>. (Likely near to Baker St Station) We will depart The Fitzrovia Center at <time unkown>.

The area becomes extremely busy and phone signal sometimes blacks out. It is quite hard to get information about the parade on the day if you have missed the pre-form up meeting. If you persevere though, someone might get back to you on Facebook, Twitter or Meetup eventually. I recommend the app WhatThreeWords, which uses a three word code to give you a map pin that is accurate to within 3 metres of a location. I’ll post our three word location once we are installed at form-up.

The parade takes a very long time to move off and reach Traflagar Square, be prepared for lots of standing and being out in the elements for several hours.

Trafalgar Square

The parade ends in Trafalgar Square and a stage with live music is set up there, plus stalls and food and drink. If you can get in (!) it’s a great way to socialise after the parade. Jon Bi from the London Bisexuals Meetup Group normally forms up a group there. More information can be found on his Meetup Page.

What to bring

London Pride is a long day that is very tiring, you’ll need to bring two types of things: extreme fun and dressing up stuff for a wild day and extremly boring things to keep you comfortable and happy on a gruelling day of standing up.

Wild party fun times: Pride is so great because the gays go absolutely wild. There’ll be all the men in just g-strings, extravagent carnival-style drag queen wonders and people dressed in leather dog masks, to name a few,  all running wild down the centre of Regent’s Street and Oxford Street as neary a million normal people cheer them on. It’s a goddam rush and is the most wild dressing up you’ll ever see, so don’t hold yourselves back 🙂

  • Facepaints, especially bi colors: Pink, Purple, Blue
  • bi flag
  • deep purple clothes, head to toe, including pants (I like to get my pants out)
  • purple/rainbow unbrellas
  • whistles
  • portable speakers
  • bi badges and stickers
  • spares for everyone else: purple scarves, hats, tops, long socks, badges anything you’ve got
  • CAKE

Why not check out the Biscuit Magazine Etsy Shop for stickers and cards.

Practical stuff: those hot men in g-strings will be wearing just two other essential items: trainers and sun lotion. Remember how you had to prepare carefully for a day trip to London, because being a tourist in London for the day is exhausting? Well this is that. Don’t be complacent just because you live here now.

  • comfortable walking shoes – VERY IMPORTANT
  • umbrella
  • foldable waterproof jacket
  • sun cream
  • hat/headscarf
  • medium/large bottle of water
  • snacks (you will be without food 12noon – 3pm)
  • cash money
  • oyster card
  • foldable layers of clothes – light jumper, leggings
  • string, tape, scissors, safety pins (useful for attaching bi flags to people & wardrobe emergencies)
  • plasters, paracetamol, antihistamines

 

YAY

We look forward to seeing you there!! Any questions you can comment here or email me: jezzburton@yahoo.com or tweet @ssica3003.

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Eternalist problems with bisexuality

Preamble

My thoughts in this blog post rely on other frameworks to better understand bisexuality.

The first set of frameworks are eternalism/nihilism and  monism/dualism as outlined by David Chapman on his project called meaningness. Very briefly,

  • Eternalism says that everything has a definite, true meaning.
  • Nihilism says that nothing really means anything.

I will be focussing on eternalism. Eternalism resolves the ambiguity of life by saying that, even if we can’t fully see or understand it, there is an ordering principle to everything. This ordering principle can explain everything, providing comfort and a sense of control. The most obvious examples are God, or the non-theistic Fate. However many things can be eternalist, such as staunch belief in Science (scientism) or political ideologies.

There are two common ways to futher enact eternalism, called monism and dualism by Chapman. Very briefly,

  • Monism is the idea that “All is One.”
  • Dualism is the idea that the world consists of clearly separate objects.

To take a religious example, Monist Eternalist thought appears in New Age religions that state “you and the universe are One”, meaning you will be saved because you are God. Dualist Eternalist religions say God is a thing, separate from you and he will save you.

I will also be looking at several of Chapman’s ‘Eternalist ploys’ and linking to them as I go along. I really do recommend an extremely long click-around the book linked here before reading my thoughts to come.

Problems of bisexuality

In the bisexual activist community, it is commonly known that advocating for bisexuality is extremely difficult because of a number of problems.

To begin, almost nobody actually identifies as bisexual because the label, or stereotypes of the label, do not fit their experience.

Most people believe they are ‘not bisexual enough’ because they don’t have equal and unbiased sexual attraction to all genders, all of the time. Many people disagree that “both homo- and hetero- sexual” is an adequate term for their feelings.

Many bisexually-behaving people either swing between identifying as ‘straight’ or ‘gay’ depending on their current partner or refuse labels entirely and state “I am just me”. Some find their way to the queer community, which is more of an umbrella term but some of their bisexual behaviour must be sublimated to fit into queer spaces (eg opposite-sex attractions), just as those who remain in a hetero society sublimate their same-sex attractions.

Tragically, despite feelings they are not a ‘true’ bisexual, most bisexual people’s experiences are very similar to each other and distinct from other people’s. This means that services of any kind which are tailored to straight, gay, lesbian or trans people are inadequate and unhelpful for bisexual people, whereas bisexually-tailored help would work, if it were available, or if anyone accessed it, which they don’t, which means funding for new services is hard to get, because no-one identifies as bisexual.

This leads to depressing statistics about mental and physical health amongst bisexually behaving people, with outcomes being far worse than any of the aforementioned groups.

When bisexual people come together in an understanding environment, the effects can be profoundly positive, but finding a way to reach bisexual people is notoriously difficult. The positive effects can also fade quickly over time as normal life once again denies bisexual experience.

Understanding bisexuality through frameworks

Having read Chapman’s ways of slicing reality into stances, I became very interested in how or why this might apply to bisexuality.

I believe bisexuality is inherently nebulous, complex, changing over time, with multiple things going on. It explodes neat binaries and refuses to be its own, easily understandable thing.

At the same time there are strong patterns of commonality between people who feel or behave in a bisexual way, grouped into clumps of common experience. Most bisexual people share some but not all of these groups of experiences, some but not all of the time. This makes the label bisexual more of a marker for a rough direction than any kind of explanation, leading to everyone’s frustration with it, and labels in general.

Common objections to bisexuality from the stances

The eternalist stance has a problem with any sexuality that is not fixed over a long time, while some gay activism has focussed strongly on eternalist principles to fight their cause, such as having no choice about sexuality, whether from a genetic or environmental standpoint – ‘born this way’.

However, bisexual people experience attractions to other genders fading in and out over time. Some bisexual people “decided” to become bisexual or first experienced another-gender attraction quite late in life.

This leads to many people denying that bisexuality can exist. It is dismissed as “just a phase”, as if sexualities must eventually become ‘stable’. Or dismissed as treacherous or dangerous,  as ‘watering down the message’. Sexuality studies exclude bisexual people because they ‘muddy the water’.

The monist view that we are all one comes into play when bisexuality is denied by appealing to similarities. People either say “well, we are all human, that’s what matters” or the extremely pernicious statement “well, we are all bisexual really”. While it is true that most people could conceive of the idea that someone’s attractions may vary across gender boundaries, it is certainly not true that everyone behaves in a bisexual way. Otherwise everyone would be bisexual, really.

I believe this monist inability to see categories also leads people to entirely reject labels. The monist view says ‘I don’t see why we need labels anyway, it only serves to divide people unneccessarily’. However as we have seen, when bisexual people cannot rally around some words or identities, their health and wellbeing suffer tremendously.

When it comes to being gay, almost no-one  gives the following advice: “well, you are just you, you are unique, you should only take up labels that suit you” but this is almost always given as advice to someone questioning whether they are bisexual.

Similarly, the dualist view ends up rejecting labels. Dualism insists on concrete categories, particularly gender of self and gender of the people to whom one is attracted. A bisexual person suspects that they do not fit neartly into the category of hetero or homo, so the dualist creates anthoer category called “both”. This category is entirely unacceptable to a bisexual person as briefly described above.

It’s also very hard to undestand as a dualist, since liking two “opposites” at once sounds suspiciously like categories shouldn’t exist at all. The dualist then wants a bisexual to ‘decide’. Parents constantly state “so you’re straight now”, “so you’re gay now” to a bisexual person when they have a new partner and bi people themselves swing between “gay” and “straight”. Other dualist biphobc statements include “pick a side”, “choose a team”, “stop being on the fence”.

Many valiant attempts to create categories that do seem to fit bisexual people have occured to better describe bisexual experience. These include:

  • bi-romantic, to capture the relationship aspect of attraction only
  • hetereo- and homo- flexible, to express a ‘mostly, but not always’ fit into dualist boxes
  • pansexual, to describe attraction based less on gender than on other attriubutes
  • queer, to express ‘not straight, but check the details’
  • fluid, to desribe lack of fixity over time

And many others.

However, each label only decribes an aspect of bisexuality. The process of choosing and applying many labels which may change over time or not be an exact fit soon becomes absurd, and many people give up the idea of labels all together as unworkable.

As we have seen, the monist view dismisses labels as divisive, while simple dualist labels are not nebulous enough for real people to fit into, but at the same time applying mutliple, more fuzzy categories becomes absurd.

Eternalist ploys

A couple of the eternalist ploys mentioned by Chapman struck home as being relevant to bisexuality.

Continuum Gambit

The ‘continuum gambit’ is a ploy by eternalist thinking to regain control of, and create boundaries on, nebulous things.

When it becomes obvious that things are not either this or that, but somewhat both and neither—a typical manifestation of nebulosity—the continuum gambit suggests that reality is a matter of shades of gray, corresponding to numbers on a continuous scale.

This describes the Kinsey scale perfectly. Kinsey was radical and needed in his time and set us on a new course of thinking about sexuality forever. However, the Kinsey scale is misleading and useless about 10 minutes after it is first discovered.

A person will yield as many different numbers on the scale as there axes of experience around sexuality. The same person will have wildy different numbers depending on the history of their relationships, compared to feelings now, compared to the future, let alone actual behaviour vs desired behaviour in an ideal world vs fantasy life (which normally has no correlation with actual acts).

The Klein grid is an attempt to take into account these considerations, and involves some interesting thoughts, but the results seem to me to become immediately meaningless. A bisexual person will not be indentifiable from the general population when taking this test, and interpretation of the results is apparently complex. This is normally a sign that it is useless for ordinary people and indeed the website itself suggests it’s better to find a therapist.

(Lack of) wistful certainty & others

Wistful certainty is the idea that there definitely is a right system to do things that will solve all our problems, if only we can discover it. For example, the certainty that once we discover the correct laws of physics, they will explain the entire universe. Or the certaintiy that if we develop just the right combination of policies, there wil be a political system that works well enough for everyone.

The fact that this is not true is not immediately obvious (in my view), with the above examples. I believe many people are supported by wistful certainty surrounding many assumptions in their lives, making them more comfortable than they might be otherwise.

However, the lack of wistful certainty is immiediately apparent with bisexuality. There is no hope that someone is working on this stuff and it will all be figured out eventually. Rather, the bisexual person is simply weird,wrong and does not fit any systems.

No-one is examining the puzzle of bisexuality to give them hope. Rather they are excluded from studies as anomalies There are no meanings to bisexuality, fixed or otherwise.

This lack of eternalist bolstering leads to the opposite stance to eternalism, nihilism. Nihilism is not sustainable for very long and is very depressing. Bisexual people either switch back to dualist eternalist (“straight now, gay now”), monist eternalist (“I’m just me, I don’t need labels”) or tragically, commit suicide.

Stages of development

There is another way, however and hopefully many bisexuals reach this stage, at least eventually.

Chapman calls the answer to the eternalist/nihilist stances the complete stance, which sady he has yet to talk about in any great detail (but there are smaller sections on many of the other pages, take a look).

However, the next key framework I am looking at is Kegan’s framework for social and cognitive development, a summary of which can be found here. This is Chapman’s summary and I found it through the meaningness blog. I have yet to read the book, I have only read the summary but it seemed like a good summary that extracts and explains key points.You must read this first before anything I say next makes sense (and we’re at the end so you can stop here if you like).

The first 4 stages do not really relate to the stances, but the 5th one, fluid mode, seems relevant.

There is much discussion on the meta-blog about how few people reach stage 5, about how society operates largely in stage 4, providing no structures to support the transition from stage 4 to stage 5, leaving many stage 4.5ers adrift in nihilisitc depression.

Stage 5 is the moment when the system that a person has been using to have beliefs, achieve projects and relate to others has been replaced by the idea that there are many systems, none of which is objectively the ‘right’ system, because any system is founded on fallable axioms. Rather systems are simply a better or worse fit for situations. Where previously a person was adept at defining their role within a system, a person can now use and even define entire systems dependent on context. In this mode, conflict between systems seems less problematic, as do internal inconsistencies.

A bisexual person will hopefully come to realise that the system we currently have for gender and sexuality is flawed. Labels are both useful sometimes, but not descriptive other times. Categories like gender don’t really exist, but are still handy shorthand for a cluster of attributes. Bisexuality is something outside of gay/straight, it is not simply “both” but it is also not “neither”. That each bi person is different, yet there are commonalities of experience.

I will make a blog post soon talking about how lessons learned from bisexuality can help individuals and societies progress to Stage 5 / fluid mode / complete stance with more understanding and emotional support.

Bisexual notes – genitals and new binaries

 

New Binaries

Before we even move beyond binaries (that bisexuals can access) we can point out that there are a wealth of more subtle binaries that become visible to bi people, because they have opportunity to play on both sides and being overly invested in neither. Trends that are normally hidden by the apparently impenetrable miasma of gender norms (that the trans movement and feminists both live under, and in certain crucial ways contribute to or reinforce due to their preoccupation with historicity) become clearer to bisexual players.

These oppositionals include:

Active role’ and ‘passive role’

(which can be in part loosely situated within old style ‘masculinities’ and ‘femininities’ but which in this case are obviously accessible to both genders/all bisexual players and with any combination of partners)

‘Subjective role’ and ‘objective role’

in which players can idolise (for example) a celebrity in two ways, sometimes wanting to be with them, have sex with them, experience them as an outside/objective agent. In that way your sexual object has their gender and one raltes to them through one’s own gender. Then alternate: sometimes want to be them, emulate them, inhabit them, in which case an agent takes on that person’s gender and one’s own gender becomes the ‘other’ gender to interact with.

‘hard… thrust’ versus and as well as ‘sponge… flow’

expound [Elizabeth Grosz, philosophy of the body]

similarly

‘defined inside/outside boundaries’ (enabling ‘in/out’) vs. and as well as ‘shifting/diffused boundaries’ (which dissolves the notions of ‘in/out’);

The whole damn mess is all so rhizosomic daahhlink… Deleuze and Guttari postmodern chiciness.

Versus and as well as… power of and, and, and

no wonder some bi people decide to be polyamourous – half and half seems like loads but is actually statistically likely if we really are supposed to have a choice.

Genitals

Clitoris as engorged, waving around object, clitoris as a penis, continue with that thought, clitoris enjoys the same things, engorgement, envelopment, lubricated massage.

‘Thrust’ – contraction of the muscles around the legs, backside, within the vagina, makes the vagina small, the back wall pressed against the back of the clitoris, creating a larger surface area out of composite bits of the genitals, create a thrusting pole, if viewed in cross section. This sensation we could attribute to ‘masculine’; since it is persons with penises that learn this lesson first, and womb/vagina havers learn more slowly.

Vaginal as sponge, feminine, space, envelopment organ

(subsection lips) (Irigaray??)

[other male genitals – huge and needing research but possible sites of pleasure could be: skin sensation on the head, around the edge of the head, shaft engorgement, pressure on the penis/shaft, lubricated massage of penis, testicular sensation/musculature*

*candidate for exclusive to males/masculinity]

Gooch skin and pressure…

Anus sexuality…

Anal canal – for itself and then in relation to pressure on prostate/pressure on vagina then in relation to simultaneous inside and outside pleasure, anal interior, manual exterior, which is available to all genders

Simultaneous within/without

Anal with exterior manual stimulation, whether head/penis/balls or clitoris/labia

Worst housemate ad ever

I’m clearing out my Sticky notes on my desktop and thought I’d repost this amazing piece of prose before I delete the sticky forever. Needless to say, no-one replied to this ad, which I consider to be a failure on the part of the human race.

Slutty meat eating smoker wants to live in the dirty parts of town.

Bisexual, polyamorous, feminist, activist, loud, cantankerous, meat-eating smoker seeks furnished self-contained accommodation in the dirty parts of town.

The good part (?):

I’m a manager at the council (“professional”), always pay the bills, always wash up, have no pets and I’m regularly out of the house. I have no mental health problems and have this other side of me that is kind, polite, witty, quiet and full of good conversation. Honest. I also have a vagina – which seems important to some people.

For 400 quid or less you can have me (and regular income secure for the near future). References and deposit available.

Let’s Talk About Street Harassment

Lately, in any discussion on street harassment, there has often been a comment along the lines of ‘but… some of this doesn’t seem to be harassment’, ‘it’s a fine line between harassment and good nature’, ‘what if the guy was just saying hello?’, ‘don’t tar all men with the same brush’ etc.

Let’s talk about that.

The comments made above seem reasonable, and here are my thoughts that are probably not obvious to men who have never suffered street harassment:

Comments like ‘hello’ and ‘good morning’ are still harassment because it is unequal. It is clear, being in an urban area far from home, that there is no chance that this person is a neighbour or otherwise a not-stranger. It is also clear that this only happens to women. This stranger is a man and aside from anything else, men do not say ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to other strange men. When men interact with strange men, they avert their gaze, don’t speak unless spoken to etc.

But strange men do not show the same deference to strange women. They speak to them, they stare at them, they wolf whistle them, they catcall them, they turn around to check them out after they’ve walked by (my personal un-favourite because they think no women see it) and yes, they say ‘hello’ to them. The ‘hello’ and ‘good morning’ is a plea for attention that is exactly the same as the more directly sexual comments. It is also completely and entirely obvious from their body language, tone of voice and social context that their ‘hello’ means, “I’ve noticed you, I want you to notice me because: sex.” I mention social context because it is important to remember that this never happens if any other man is present. It is also much more rare with groups of women, and in this case the guys often yell from cars, from across the street, in groups, or other ‘safe’ places. When a woman is street harassed she is in a public place, alone and being harassed by a strange man.

Now, when men comment on stories of female harassment there seem to be a number of feelings tied up in the comments. The feelings are also all tied together. They seem to be:

‘This is awful, I don’t want this to happen to women’. ‘I’ve never done this to women, in fact I’m careful to not do it’. ‘I’m sure I’ve said ‘hello’ to women in the past, I don’t want them to think I was harassing them’. ‘Maybe some of these guys these women are complaining about were guys like me, truly well-meaning’.  ‘I’m now scared to ever say hello to women in case I get tarred with the man-hate brush’ and ‘How is anyone meant to meet anyone new/get laid?’

Let’s talk about this.

Let’s just lead with the fact that street harassment is a massive open secret that has only begun to be spoken about with any kind of coverage in the last five years. And I repeat, ‘spoken about’. We’re not even close to doing something to make it change yet.

Street harassment is very much part of a spectrum of behaviours that has murder through domestic violence on one end and lad’s mags/page 3 on the other end. None of it is good, some of it is worse than other bits, and we’re not *very* close to the murder end of the spectrum today, we’re more in the middle (although street harassment has lead, and continues to lead, directly to murder if you’re trans*), however it is an endemic spectrum of behaviours that shows us that the whole system is rotten. Men are bound up in this rotten system just as much as women, and it’s the system that needs to change.

Only a percentage of men harass women on the street, although a greater percentage may have done so in their lifetime. Everyone on every side of this debate knows that not all men do this. But people who are posting about it are not being careful to remove any implications of this. Men, I’m asking you to please let this one slide. Why? Because we’ve only just started talking about this. Decades of rage, oppression and very negative feelings are all coming out in a rush. We are not being nuanced about this. When out on the street, there is no way to know which man will harass and which one won’t. We know that three out of the 100 or so men who pass us today will demean and degrade us, we will feel threatened, frightened and alone. Not only that, but we’ll see it happen to other women too. We know it’s not all men, we have fathers, brothers, sons, dear friends and most of us have kind, wonderful lovers. We know it’s not all men, it’s only some men, but we’re having a really freaky bad time over here, we’re finding it really hard to talk about, let alone with any careful language and the ‘not all men’ argument derails the debate. Any victim is going to have a hard time talking about their experiences at all, and expecting a victim to be careful in their speech is quite a stretch. Women don’t hate all men, just as men don’t hate all women. This is a given.

This is the part of the conversation where, despite lack of nuance, the listener just listens. (And I do honestly believe this debate will evolve over time and it’ll be totally cool to call out the ‘All men’ statements, just not yet.)

We also know that most men make sure they don’t harass women on the street. We know most men have refused to bow to the pressure of peers or culture and have carefully figured out that strangers should probably be left alone, even though that leaves us with a bit less opportunity for amazing interactions. We appreciate your efforts, we really do. Like I said before, fathers, brothers, lovers…

Now we approach the idea of the misunderstood guy. The friendly ‘hello’ guy. This part is particularly hard. Men are defending a straw man that doesn’t exist because the feelings behind it are: ‘these new-fangled rules are pretty darned strict and it’s uber hard to not come off as creepy. Plus, I’m really freaked out that I might have done this accidentally in the past’.

I sympathise strongly with the feelings, but not the straw man argument of the mythical misunderstood guy. By saying one or some or all of the harassers might have not meant any harm is demeaning to the women who report being harassed. It implies you don’t believe them. It implies that they cannot read body language, tone of voice or social context. That women are unsophisticated with social interaction. It implies that they haven’t been dealing with this since they were thirteen years old. It implies that the intentions of the harasser matter more than the feelings of threat. It implies the patriarchal pat on the head, the ‘don’t be so silly’ argument that has been used to dismiss women’s experience over and over in all of living memory. Or worse, it implies that women are lying and on a hate-campaign against men. This is fucking rare, about as rare as men who have hate campaigns against women. These implications give women rage. Which does not help with refining a debate and using correct words to describe things.

So, don’t say ‘maybe those guys didn’t mean it’ because we need to practice believing the victim and you have no idea what happened, you weren’t there. Instead say ‘I am scared I’ve done this and didn’t mean it’ or ‘I’m scared someone will think I’m creepy when I wasn’t’ or ‘Can we have a talk on another thread about this whole thing because it feels shaming’.

EDIT [ Actually, this part is key. Women have been victims, and when women speak out, men are feeling shame, even though it’s not personally their fault. I’m asking men to listen to female victims, even if they are not very nuanced, but I’m asking men to have nuanced replies, even though they are having bad feelings too. I think we definitely need a space for men to talk about these feelings, where they are supported and uncriticised. We have always needed this space. It might just have to be a separate space to the original victim speaking out. ]

In terms of the past, it’s highly unlikely that you accidentally came off as creepy. People are generally very able when it comes to social interaction. It’s very nuanced. If we go down the road of believing that women have the skills to notice a creepy ‘hello’, they can also tell an un-creepy ‘hello’. Women aren’t unsophisticated about this. Women want to find new friends and lovers just as much as you, and continue to engage with random interactions and go on dates, despite all the horror.

But if you did come off as creepy once, don’t worry too much, it’s probably forgotten and mistakes happen and you have friends and lovers who know you’re not creepy and you’ve heard about the types of things that come off as creepy and you haven’t done them. And you’d rather the person walked away and called you creepy than we live in a world where we’re going backward on this whole patriarchy thing. So it’s ok. I’m sorry if you’ve been misunderstood, it was in the service of a good cause and everything is going to be alright.

The current rules ARE darned hard, because everyone is trying to be better to each other than they were before. We’re working inside of a toxic system that sets genders against each other and no-one has any easy new rules about how to deal with this new stuff. Women are going to react in wildly different ways, and it’s going to be hard to find a baseline that generally means everyone is ok. It’s going to be a bit sad for quite a while, what with stranger interactions being reduced between men and women while we sort the harassment thing out. But overall happiness will still be higher since women will feel less threatened, day to day.

The only good general solution is honesty and respect for boundaries (and this is on everyone, not just men, of course). Honesty with ourselves about why we’re saying hello to this person on the street, or someone is saying hello to us. Honesty that certain things are gonna seem creepy. Honesty that there is a lot of sadness around this, and everyone needs to give support to people who feel sad. Honesty that we’re scared we’ve done the wrong thing, because the new rules are so hard to fathom.

And almost no-one is doing that yet, so we’re all well outside of comfort zone, and social sanctioning. But it’s worth it.

It’s worth it because, we’re trying to build a world where men and women can openly say to each other in the moment, without conflict or fear of violence, ‘hey, that came off as creepy’ and the other party can say ‘oh my god that was NOT my intention, please tell me in detail what it was that seemed creepy’. This will also be a world where both men and women can say, without fear of shaming or violence, ‘hey, you are attractive, any interest in fucking?’ and there is no obligation to say yes or no. In a world when all genders are empowered to ask for/accept sexual interaction in an equal, honest and open way, street harassment could disappear.

I want to live in that world, and we need to do everything we can to get there.

On feminist movement, at “its peak”…

“it was also important to claim the body as a site of pleasure… We had all-girl parties, grown-up sleepovers. We slept together. We had sex. We did it with girls and boys. We did it across race, class, nationality. We did it in groups. We watched each other doing it. We did it with the men in our lives differently. We let them celebrate with us the discovery of female sexual agency. We let them know the joys and ecstasies of mutual sexual choice… We reclaimed the female body as a site of power and possibility…”

hooks goes on to talk about a reticence on the part of revolutionary feminists to engage with mainstream media on the topic of sexuality because of the inevitable distortions that occur. She challenges the stereotype of antimen feminists:

“… Heterosexual women turned on by feminist movement learn how to move away from sexually dead encounters with patriarchal men who eroticize exploitative power and domination scenarios that in no way embrace female sexual agency, but these women do so not to give up sex  but to make sex new, different, liberatory, and fun…

She speaks about the need to publicise this shift in sexual attitudes in a positive way.

 

“… Were many more of us documenting our sex lives in art, literature, film and other media, there would be an abundance of counter-hegemonic evidence to disprove the popular sexist stereotype that women in feminist movement are antisex and antimen.”

– bell hooks in ‘Talking Sex’ published in Outlaw Culture , 1994